Every now and then, I get the question, "Have you ever been in love?"

I've always equated being in love with having a crush... that fluttery, fleeting madness that takes over the mind, much like an obssession, and renders one hopelessly blind... but that eventually dissapates... quickly when a relationship develops or affection is unrequited. So the answer has been yes... Yes, I've crushed. More often when I was younger...

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe being in love is meant to be more than temporary. And maybe it's more grand and more wonderful than I've ever imagined. Maybe it's something I've never experienced, or never thought I could experience... or worse, something I'm simply incapable of feeling.

Should I hope to fall in love? What if I'm happy enough loving and being loved? Would I rather be in love? What's missing in love that is in "in love"? Which is better for me? Is one more genuine or longer-lasting than the other? And is it foolhardly to hope for something I don't know is even possible?

Interesting how much a few pounds can affect my entire outlook, and change it so quickly... I'd been soaring. Now I'm down in the dirt...

Feeling unattractive has brought up insecurities that are souring the sweetness of the upcoming holidays. I've developed the imagined "stigma of the unattractive." With it comes irrational paranoia that my unattractiveness is causing people, friends and strangers, to shun or ignore me or be less eager to hang out with me or get to know me... and though I realize that people who might act that way are shallow and unworthy of my concern, I can't help agonizing the loss. That I am unloved, except by my family, is becoming an increasingly painful fact, and leads to the suspicion that I am unloved because I am unattractive.

Somewhere deep inside, I know that I'm just being silly...

I don't know if I could be classified as a romantic just because I'm easily moved by such things as beautiful sunsets...

Well, I'm definitely not hopeless romantic. I'm not too keen on romance novels, movies, or tv shows... or even romantic comedies (though I'm somehow able to bear the ones starring John Cusack). And it's hard to romance me, to make me genuinely melt... I can't remember ever being that touched by an intentionally romantic moment that took place between me and a guy. Even the most romantic moments still seemed somewhat cheesy -- too deliberately drippy -- and sometimes a wee bit too pretentious for my taste. All the time I'm thinking, let's cut out all this sappy crap (or crappy sap) and get to the humping-like-animals part now...

I think I'd have to be on some sort of drug to feel romance the way some people do... the way they seem to in movies and tv shows. Speaking of drugs, some days I feel like trying out psychedelic mushrooms. But then I mentally kick myself for thinking about it. We are about being honest here... which is why I'm telling you that I've had these thoughts.

If I had a camera, I would show you what the sky looked like at 5:11pm from my point of view, behind the windshield of my car in the midst of traffic going north on my way home. Glorious combination of the turquoise and tangerine orange. Such a splendid way to end my workday...

Did you remember The Jabberwocky, by Lewis Carroll? I liked the poem in junior high. To this day, I can't get the first four lines of seemingly made-up/nonsensical words out of my head.

When I'm sitting around doing nothing, superbored, mind full of fog, eyes half-way rolling back into my head, I hear...

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

We had a Thanksgiving potluck at work today. There was no turkey, or stuffing, or mashed potatoes, or gravy... Instead, there were varieties of curry and fried rice dishes, some spicy some not, some vegetarian some not... but all savory. 90% or more of the people I work with are Indian. I forgot about the pounds I'm trying to lose and pigged out.

This is only the beginning of what will progress into a long weekend full of gluttony if I don't watch myself...

I already feel pressure to decide what to do for New Year's Eve. A couple of options have been sitting in my inbox for some time, urging me to RSVP for this and that ASAP so I don't end up being shut out or paying out of my ass to attend. I dunno that I really want to do any of these options. There's one that I kinda feel like doing, but I also feel as if I shouldn't be feeling like doing it...

Earlier this year, I was determined to party it up with the masses up in the City this time... since I missed doing that last year. But now that I'm not feeling up to par, I'm less willing to put on the ritz & glam, and get out and mingle w/ a ton of strangers.

Hm... I haven't drank in a while. Really drank, that is... I'm not sure why... why I'm not yearning to do so as I did in weeks of yore...

I've realized that I actually kinda like obsessing.

When I'm not obsessing about something, I feel like I should be, and I wanna be. Like, right now... I'm not really obsessing about anything. I've been thinking all day about things that I can throw myself into full throttle. When I get into things, I tend to let them take over my life temporarily...

I could obsess over my body... put all my effort into losing a few pounds (so that I could quit griping about them) and preparing for summer 8 months in advance. But nah... I do want motivation to workout and eat better, but I don't feel like obsessing over my body like a vain lil missy.

I feel like trying my hand at creating music, or picking up a new instrument, or taking serious dance classes, or getting caught up in a highly involving RPG (video game), among other things (I would fuckin love to travel, you know)... but these things require a bit of money. And I shouldn't be spending too much on extras now or in the near future. (Ugh. How many times do I have to remind myself of that in a day!)

Oh HELL... Money can't be the only thing stopping me from getting into new things. Lemme sleep on this one. I'll discover something to obsess over soon enough. Hopefully, it'll be something inexpensive, yet constructive and healthy, and not just a big waste of my time...

What would you have me do for 15k of your money?

I weighed in today.

It's so bad... I've put on almost 4 pounds in 2 months. WHY?? Where is my motivation to work out and eat better? It doesn't seem to be enough, anymore, to want to look awesome naked, or to get back into sports for a competitive outlet, or to have more energy to dance for hours and hours, or to be able to wear nicer, more flattering clothing... Seems like I need something more to get me back on the road & running, and back at the gym hurting & sweating, and cutting back on eating out & cookies...

I've already tried competing with people in "fab abs in three months" contests and the like... No progress. Maybe if I was going after someone or had someone to impress, I'd work a lot harder. Or maybe if there was money at stake... What was my driving force in the past? What exactly is keeping me from taking trying-to-look-better more seriously right now?

Chances are, I think a little bit more about you than you do about me.

My mom's funny. Even though she knows I broke up with my ex- while ago, and knows that I'm no longer in close contact with him because he's decided not to be friendly to me at this time, she still asked me yesterday to invite him to our family's Thanksgiving dinner. I said, "yeah, yeah, ok," though I never did intend to invite him. I just said I would to humor her. If she asked, I was just gonna say, "oh, he can't make it 'cuz he's out of town." But she called me a couple mins ago to take it back. "If he's mad at you right now, then maybe you shouldn't invite him 'cuz he probably won't have a good time at dinner."

No duh. Mom's funny...

Holy smokes! I just stumbled upon this site, which belongs to the ex-gf of this guy from college. I really hardly ever think about these people, and I surely never go out of my way looking for info about them... so I find it kinda interesting how I just chanced upon her site thru a friend of a friend's site today (though this isn't the first time that's happened).

Looks like the girl's currently got a job that has her galavanting around the world... and she's managed to snap up a hot German boyfriend for herself too. I am sooooo envious. Still! Damnit.

Sometimes the inability to travel or spend time abroad is unbearable...

Toiletseat covers. Shiny-side up, or shiny-side down? Or is it just a matter of preference? Why even have two different sides??

I need to get back in the game.

By that I mean, I need to find myself a few new competitive outlets. I've been seriously lacking in the area since I stopped playing rollerhockey and other sports a few months ago... It feels as if I've sorta-kinda let myself go in other ways as well.

Really, the only thing I have going on right now is Fantasy NBA. But my team currently sucks shit, and I'm hanging on to mid-place by a very thin thread, which is about to break... Argh. I had, probably, the second worst team right out of the draft, and I haven't had as much time to spend working on it during work this year. I try not to work on it too much after work hours so I don't seem insanely obsessed... but maybe I will step things up and try to resurrect my team from inevitable bust. Time to play a little dirty, I think. :P

I don't feel I have a competitive edge in anything right now... I gotta go develop one or more. I could use the thrill of the win right now.

Losing through not playing feels worse than playing and losing.

What's there to talk about these days? Seems like there ain't much worth talkin 'bout... while there's still much more worth doing. Talk is so damn cheap... but seems like it's about all I can afford to do these days. Argh...

Give me a worthy, interesting topic to contemplate and discuss, and I'll reward you with a drink or two... alcoholic or non-... your pick.

I don't think I have any friends that spend less than I do. I see money flowing out of their hands all the time on this, that, and the other... It's almost sickening to my stomach.

Well, they did earn that money, and can do whatever they please with it. I just can't wait to have enough to spoil myself too...

In my def, true friends are those who love and accept you just the way you are, and are there for you when you need them or just want them to be there, despite your known faults or how you change over time. They don't try to influence you or change you into something that fits their agenda or their lifestyle or their preferences or their bias... They know who you really are deep down, and they sincerely like who they know you are... not who they think you are or should be or who they want you to be.

Real friends choose each other. They aren't thrown together somehow and compelled to love and accept each other. True friendship isn't forced.

There is much trust between true friends... not a focus on how much the other owes. True friends truly understand each others' needs and wants, and they give when possible, without expecting exact change in return. They give and receive intangibles... which often outweigh the tangibles.

You cannot buy my love or true friendship through material goods. If you've given to me, I've offered something in return. If I offered, and you didn't take, I don't owe... If you expected too much or were disappointed with what I offered, that is your bad. I do not owe more than I am capable of giving. If you give me any disrespect, however, I will surely give you the disrespect that I owe you...

But I did walk away with two bras that I needed two years ago... Gotta get 'em while the gettin's good. It isn't often I find bras that fit me properly.

Despite, there are few good things about small boobs... When all my bras are in the wash, I can throw on a dark top and be out in public sans bra with no trouble at all. These things will never ever sag on me... even if I go braless for years. Gravity can't touch these. No bounce, no pain when playing high impact sports... Nipples appear larger on small boobs. It's all good. I remind myself of these things every now and then to curb my envy of my boobilicious peers...

Three cheers for nice 'n PERKY!!!

I had wanted to try these on for awhile, but hadn't collected enough courage to until today. Um... no. Cute lil hotpants indeed, but I really shoulda just waited 'til tonite's VS Fashion Show to see 'em on some lean, leggy ladies w/ perky butt-cheeks and dimple-less hamstrings. Ahh, my day in sexy black lace will come...

I gotta call Lia.

I gave it a cursory thought, and I think I know what it is.

Close to the beginning of the month, it started sinking in that it actually sucks to be single, especially when one can help not being single.

I realized that I'm not having fun doing whatever I'd been doing... not anymore. I can't have one foot in both worlds. I need to stand in one or the other. No more pretending. I will not be used. I will not be anyone's lay-over or sideshow, something to tide them over until their next fling or relationship.

I do not want to be alone. But I don't want to frolic within a sea of hollow, mindless, heartless bodies.

Three weeks of bitterness is enough... I don't want to be bitter anymore.

I want to make something. I want to make something to show you how I feel. I am tired of talking.

People with "holier-than-thou" attitudes piss me off.

I can't stand you people. We're different people. We have our different needs/wants, backgrounds/situations, faults and weaknesses. We do what we will to live our only lives as close to the way we want to. You don't know what's right or wrong any more than I do. You are no better than I am. Get that straight... or don't let me hear from you.

The weekend has come and gone quickly. Wasn't too shabby, but wasn't the best in a long time...

Well, the last couple of weeks have been kinda blah. I've been feeling a little off... and not just because I've been feeling tired and fat, or that I'm still dirt poor and on a tight budget, or that I'm still fighting a war on my face and my eyelids are still rashed and flipped, or that my Fantasy NBA team isn't doing so hot, or that these are the only things that I really have to repetitively complain about...

Something is off. I'll figure out what it is soon...

I saw parts of Jennifer Lopez' interview with Diana Sawyer on ABC too... the parts in which she talks about how Ben proposed to her. If I remember correctly, she kept on repeating, "It was the best day of my life!"

I can't remember the best day of my life. I mean, I've had a number of very good days... I just can't remember any particular day that dawned and set prior to a year ago, that I could site as the best of my entire life. My memory sucks like that... I think I will always only be able to remember the best day within the last 365 days or less. It's hard to compare feelings across time.

What defines the best day of one's life anyhow? The day one was the happiest and most satisfied? But if the feelings last only one day, that day, it isn't really the BEST day... I'd say the best day is one in which something happened or started that brought happiness and satisfaction, though maybe not the most happiness or satisfaction, that continued to be there for the rest of one's life or for a long time afterwards... and the day was also remembered fondly for as long.

I mean, if not, I can say I had a very distinct happiest-day-of-this-year, though I don't really remember it too fondly... strange as that is...

Man, I'm just blabbering now...

Losing former co-workers to layoffs depressed me this week. I'm feeling better today, and my energy level is on the rise again. I can feel it.

I'm not afraid of losing my own job. I'm not afraid of as much these days. Yes I've had my share of rough times, but I've had it good in the present times, in these latest days to pass... All the best stuff life has to offer, I think I've already had at least a taste of... I've loved a lot, and I've been loved enough... Real/true love. And I think I've seen the extent of happiness and satisfaction. Any more that I experience, I consider BONUS. EXTRA!

Eh, still gotta find time to write up that autobituary...

Being tired and feeling physically weak is bringing me down. I seem to have half the amount of energy I had a year ago, even a month ago... I was grumpy today, and didn't really feel like doing anything but working... and sleeping. I want to go to the gym now, but I feel so weak and tired...

I've gone into quiet mode.

Haven't been working out like I used to. Haven't been watching what I eat. Haven't weighed myself in weeks either. Scared to...

Feel like I should berate myself about my slacking in these areas... I shouldn't be letting myself go. Not now, of all times... Shouldn't I be trying to look my best right now? I used to never leave the house without wearing makeup. Now I only wear it when I go out on the weekends. I feel pretty satisfied these days, despite being a tad bitter. I'm pretty comfortable with myself... until I try to put something on that I bought in the summer. Ugh. Doesn't fit anymore! My body should be tight... not my clothes!

From this day forth, I will get back in the running shoes and on the machines at the *yuck* gym regularly. I will be hot in the winter!

All morning I've been thinking and worrying about Cathy. I wish I had the power to give her another job today... and to send to her the man of her dreams, and all the other things she needs and deserves...

I never got a response to this. C'mon, people... You gotta know at least one or two to tell me about...

About three weeks ago during Sunday brunch with my family, dad asked us, "Do you know what your gift is? Everyone should know or find out what their gift is."

I had to think about it for a bit... I'm not sure if he expected me to know and say what it is right then and there... or if he expected me to say "playing the piano" or something related to music. I didn't.

I said, "Emoting. I think I am gifted in emotional expression." Maybe I'm wrong... but until I discover it's something else, that is what I'll believe it is.

Now to find a proper/fitting medium/venue/vehicle/instrument through which to dispense/disperse the expression...

If I stumble upon it in my lifetime, and I rise above the masses and achieve fame and acclaim, even but for a moment or two... while I'm in the spotlight, the limelight, a star... I will use the opportunity that falls into my lucky lap, which may be the only one I ever get, and may be fleeting... may last but for a moment, to show the world what I'm made of. I will not hold back. I will say whatever the hell I wanna say through whatever means helped me achieve my heights. And when I have the whole world as an audience, I won't give a stinkin' shit about what haters think or say about me.

(Heh. Now I'm also starting to sound a little like Eminem... Lose Yourself)

I've become a member of the segment of the world's population of bitter single people. And I've realized some things about bitter single people that the general public does not seem to have... that they should know.

Yes, a percentage of bitter single people are bitter because they are alone, or lonely... or because they cannot find someone to their liking, or they cannot have someone of their liking... But those aren't the only reasons bitter single people are bitter.

A percentage of us, including myself, are not bitter because we are alone... but because of how we are perceived as single people. People assume we are looking for partners, but are failing... People think there is something wrong with us because we are still single at our age; we must be less desirable than those who have consistently been able to find partners. If we're ugly and single, people assume it's 'cuz we're ugly; if we're pretty and single, they assume we have character flaws that outweigh the value of our looks. If we say we aren't looking, people don't take us seriously and still try to set us up... sometimes with themselves. Some might try to take advantage of us 'cuz they think we are weak and desperate for lovin'... If we opt to kiss/sleep around, even though responsibly, they think we are whores... or that we're doing something wrong for ourselves or to others.

We are SO misunderstood. And that's why we're bitter...

I just found out an hour ago that my former manager and my co-worker, Cathy, were both laid off this morning. Though them getting laid off isn't a shock to me, it's still a big surprise. 50% of the people in our group were cut.

I'm not sure how Cathy is handling it. She is probably the most sensitive of all the people I've ever worked with... sensitive in a good way, for the most part. I worry about her. I'll try my best at cheerful words and encouragement, but I suck at condolences... especially when, in a small way, my job security has gone up now that she's lost her job... and I feel a little guilty for feeling relieved...

I am lucky this time. I am also grateful. If my former manager hadn't arranged for me to be working a contract through Sierra Atlantic, I'd most likely be out of a job right now too. His kids are already in college. Hopefully, he won't be so hard hit by this...

I have very sensitive skin. I have to use gentle skin cleansers on my face, or I rash out. Even when I use gentle cleansers, my skin still reacts... especially in cold, dry weather. Right now, the skin around my eyes is itchy and red. My left cheek has two small, rough, scaly patches of skin. I am so frustrated with my skin!

I should go see a dermatologist. My insurance wouldn't cover the visit. I'm on COBRA right now 'cuz my company doesn't offer medical insurance to contractors. I've been looking online for self-help measures, but can't seem to find the right advice.

Those of you with perfect or near perfect complexions, VALUE THEM.

I saw a special on TV re: Eminem yesterday night... I think it was on VH1. For whatever reason, I feel like I can identify with him a little. Maybe 'cuz he was sympathetically represented within the show... but maybe not.

Maybe moreso because I highly value freedom of expression. Talented expression. You gotta give him claps for that, at least. Why give a fuck what he's saying in his songs? You still like the way they sound, don't you? They still impress you and/or entertain you, don't they? That's all they're really meant to do. 'Cuz that's what Eminem is. He's an entertainer. And a businessman. He's worked hard enough to get where he's at, has the right to say whatever he wants to say, and people can produce his CDs and promote them... as long as they come out sounding good enough to win awards, they're good enough for the public. If you're not entertained, oh well. He doesn't get your dollars. But don't hate him for what he says. It ain't personal... though maybe to him it all is. But that's him, not you. He will just keep on making money off your hate anyway... Well, if you can hate in an equally entertaining manner, go for it!

Now I hafta watch 8 Mile. Even if it sucks, I'll still give Eminem regards for "making it" and having the balls to say whatever he wants to say through the gift he was given to rap, which he's decided to share with us all for our listening and viewing enjoyment, or something like that...

I am spacing out... I have been spaced out for what seems like almost a week. I am working on re-gathering now...

I'm the oldest unmarried female among my seventeen girl cousins (from both mom's and dad's sides). There's at least a seven year difference between me and the youngest of the married three. And I've been labelled the "next in line" for quite a horrible number of years now... seems like since the end of high school. My aunts and girl cousins are always bugging me about it when I see them. I hate it. Thankfully, I see them all less than once a year... if even that often.

One of my cousins is visiting her younger two sisters who live here in the Bay Area. The two moved here relatively recently for school... within the last two years. I haven't seen them once out here. They haven't called me. I haven't called them. They do call and visit my parents to borrow things, things like my old twinsize bed and my old dresser, and whatever their little grubby hands can get a hold of...

These three girls are between 19 and 24... all about 5'2", under 110 lbs, half-philippino-half-chinese, with perpetually tan, flawless complexions. In short, they are man-eaters... the type, my brother says can get most guys to do anything for them. They are really cute and they know it. And they have had opportunities that my brother and I never had growing up because their parents lavished anything and everything they wanted and needed on them... So they have no real angst, and just adds to their appeal. They are also deceptively sweet and we-think-virginal, so-called-Christian girls. Yeah. Christian schoolgirls. That either bursts your bubble or swells it...

Anyhow, I'm supposed to call them tomorrow and meet up with them and my brother for dinner or something like that... but there's an 80% chance that I won't call, and a 50% chance that even if I do, I don't end up meeting up with them. My brother and I have nothing much to say to them. And they will invariably ask me whether I have a boyfriend and when I'm going to get married... Sometimes they pretend to have "problems" to talk about... Geez girls! Make me feel like a sorryass loser with my financial problems and skin problems... while you girls are running around in your secure worlds, fussing over chipped toenail polish...

I think I meant to say something else within this post... like, there was a point to me talking about my cousins, but I've forgotten what it is... Got caught up in the bitterness, I guess. :P

I let stuff get to me last night, and I shouldn't have. I allowed anxious feelings and a slightly awkward environment influence me... to drink. I'd said I wasn't gonna drink all weekend. I should've stuck to my word. I'm always particularly weak around these same people...

I won't succumb next time. Or I won't place unreasonable rules on myself. I need to be able to trust myself. Drinking is the one thing I've allowed myself. Still, I won't let it become my balm for every itch, every ache...

I'm physically/sexually attracted to a few men every once in awhile. But I don't meet or know many men that I'm truly mentally attracted to, with whom I'd like to be in a relationship. And I'm never really more than physically/sexually attracted to men who already belong to someone else. I think it's a hella stupid move to long for someone else's someone...

So I don't understand how/why some people can be attracted to people who are already taken. Why want someone who doesn't want you enough to not be with someone else? I could never consider a guy right for me who doesn't also think I'm right for him. If he's already taken, and I'm right for him, and he's right for me, he'll take steps to be un-taken... and maybe then I'll want him. I might come across a taken guy who has qualities I really dig. But then I'd want someone like him, not him.

Ok, there was this one time in college when I wanted a guy who already had a girlfriend... I was totally not his type. He would never want me or someone like me. And even though I knew that, I wanted so much to be with him. I was majorly crushing on him. Almost obsessed. Full of fantasies. Mad pining... It made me so sad that could never be the type of girl he wants. If only I was more cutesy, naive and innocent, if only I was younger, if only I had less issues, if only I was a little more happy-go-lucky and spunky... If, if, if... I beat myself over the head for not being what would get me his attention. THAT was stupid... 'cuz it made me feel as if I didn't deserve what I considered to be the perfect guy for me.

Of course now, years later, and a little wiser, I know he isn't/wasn't the perfect type of guy for me. (He was sweet, but mainly just a cute face on a hot bod.) I don't believe there's such a thing as, "he/she is perfect for me, though I'm not perfect for him/her." It's gotta go both ways. Equally. The one for me will be just as stoked about me as I am about him. And I know I do deserve a good guy... and that, in theory, there is a perfect him out there that fits me a lot better than anyone else... who I hope to find earlier in my lifetime than later...

While the pool of possibilities may be shrinking, he who's perfect for me will always be a possibility.

Last night, I ate a really late dinner at The Cheesecake Factory in San Francisco. They don't take reservations. Got there around, oh, 8pm. Had to wait 30 minutes just to get a pager from the front desk. Had to wait another hour and a half after that to sit down to eat. In the meantime, went shopping at Macy's 'til they closed around 9pm. Underwear was 3 for $21, so I got 3. Sometime between leaving Macy's, going on a rant about "the struggle" (how it is used as a poor excuse for some), and getting a table at the restaurant, I dropped the shopping bag containing my underwear. SHIT. I was so looking forward to wearing new undies...

Anyhow, it bothered me a lot that I'd lost the bag, 'cuz I do this type of shit every so often... so I've decided to punish myself by not drinking all weekend. Hopefully, that will teach me to be more observant, to pay more attention to my stuff next time... or help train me down from craving drink every night of every weekend. Trying to turn this into some sort of win situation...

Show me or tell me about a woman who would make me proud of the female gender... and not because she is superhotlooking.

Maybe I've let my guard down a little too much... and let the media, or my environment, or the "togetherness" of the season and the holidays influence me.

I walk through stores in the mall and see the colors and lights, and smell the smells of Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I think warm "domestic" thoughts. I think I'd love to have a home... a home to decorate. To fill with warm and those colors, lights, and smells. And I'd love to throw dinner parties in my home. I'd love to have a Christmas tree. And I'd love to have loved ones...

Three months into singlehood, I have moments of weakness in which I feel as if I'm fighting a growing inner pull toward settling down. I know that I don't want to settle down now, but I feel as if I should at least be planning to now. I dislike the feeling... but some days I can't seem to avoid it. Especially on days I'm thinking about the trouble of meeting new friends... I worry that my current social-interaction difficulties may cripple me in future, when meeting new people - or meeting the one - becomes a high priority.

Sometimes being single seems like the best thing since sliced bread. Other times, it seems like I'm just in rehab... and that it should end when I'm cured of all the ill that being addicted to going-no-where relationships has caused. And that after rehab, I should be ready and willing to enter into something good with someone good-for-me that will take me gracefully and regretlessly into the middle ages of life...

Sometimes I feel as if I'm not making the most of my singlehood, and that maybe the reason I'm not is that I really don't want to deep down inside, whether mentally or emotionally, biologically or physically... Maybe the things I've wanted to do for so long, that I thought being single would "allow" me to get away with, aren't things I want to do anymore... or aren't what they are cracked up to be. I don't know how well I could take going without a body to touch for weeks on end... but I realize that kissing and sleeping around probably won't pave an easy way for good things to come to me in the future.

SO. As of this moment. I've decided to end my hard stance of "not looking at all", and to begin opening myself up to more possibilities...

You in your box, and me in my bell jar...

"I've gone around for most of my life as in the rarefied atmosphere under a bell jar."
-- The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath

I take it back. I'm not sorry. Feeling sorry brings me down. Feeling wrong brings me down. I will not let these feelings bring me down. And I will not be convinced that I've done wrong.

I was never really sorry...

It's during these fucking times I feel like giving up and looking.

People become increasingly abrasive the longer they are single... or so it seems with some. Like right now, I feel as if I'm going in that direction myself. I met a person over the weekend who truly seems to be... I'd guess we have around the same likability/dislikability quotient... both a bit too unique, thus interesting, yet unpredictable, maybe even the talk of the town, though not really the type you'd want to get close to... or get to know past "hello, my name is" and a few drinks...

Over the weekend I was presented with the chance to meet a few other people. On Friday night at the club, I met around 6 generic-looking Asian people (friends of friends), whose names and faces I can barely remember. On Sunday nite, I met more friends of friends... and find it funny how I almost instinctively avoided getting to know the ones that I knew were Christians... Evenso, I think I got "chatted up," as a friend would put it, by one of them...

Meeting new people is fine and dandy. I'm just not sure what to do with them these days... after the initial introductions. I've said "hi" to you, I know what you look like, and now I know what you do during the day and on the weekends... can it just end there? Do we have to find a common interest and try to turn each other into friends? Why am I feeling so guarded and antisocial in these last few days? Don't I want to make new friends?

To go or not to go? I used to look forward all week to going to the Tuesday night rollerhockey games. Why haven't I played more than once since the end of summer? Will rollerhockey become like the other sport I got so into for around a year or so - badminton? Quick to pick up and quick to quit? How's it going to be for me without a competitive area into which to channel any aggression and excess energy?

Do I even have excess energy these days? Seems to you as if when I do, all I really feel like doing is drinking and dancing, huh...

What I really wish I could do is travel. Still. (Am I a broken record or what?) But the insatiable itch I had to travel a year ago is half as intense now. I've come to accept the fact that I won't be able to get outta here for the next 2 or 3 years, while I'm still whittling away at my notorious and enormous debt.

Yesterday, a co-worker caught me eating wheat thins and nilla wafers for lunch from the break room... and began a long chat with me about his and his wife's exquisite dining experiences and other adventures in Italy and elsewhere. After listening to him gush about food and overly friendly locals for about 20 minutes, he ended with, "... and the only reason my wife and I are able to get away with all of this [travelling and dining well] is that we have no kids! It's wonderful." He looks about, oh... 50 years old.

What am I going to do... I have until 35 to have kids... which leaves less than 10 years to get the hell out of debt, into some cash, and out and abroad... wining and dining myself while seeing the life and the world from as many other perspectives as possible.

Ahhh... no pressure...

While at UC Berkeley, I never suspected I'd miss being in college for the rest of my life... that no matter how much drama and trauma I endured during my years there, I'd always look back fondly. Days pass, and the fondness just grows.

Yeah, I'm just an old fart now, fixated on those years... We all are, aren't we? Those are the years I'd wish to repeat, if I could. Those are the years like to re-live. And change. Just a little. I could've had a better time, but I don't think I could've gone to a better school in a better area.

I'm so freak'n proud to be a Cal alum.

"Judge not, that ye be not judged.

"For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

"And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

"Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam [is] in thine own eye?

"Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye."

-- Matthew 7:1-5, The Bible, KJV

This morning, I stood in the significantly shorter "Registrations - Appointments Only" line, instead of amazingly long regular line for registration issues at the DMV in Redwood City. I stood in line with 8 or so apparently whitecollar people; they were dressed for the office.

There was a noticeable difference in the appearance of the people my line and the people in the other line. I wondered if any of the 50 or so people in the other line were similarly wondering about the 8 of us. Did they wonder what makes us so "special" to be able to get appointments and to stand in the shorter line? Did they choose not to make appointments 'cuz they didn't know they could, or they couldn't get appointments soon enough over the phone... unlike us seemingly "privileged" or "yuppie" people, who had no trouble making soon enough appointments online at work or at home? Do the people in the other line even notice us? Or mind that we're getting better/faster service? Do they not care to spend 2 hours of their lives in the line 'cuz they don't have anything as "important" to do as us whitecollar working stiffs?

I bet they didn't care of even notice us... And I know there is a lot that I take for granted.

Thirty five minutes later, I left the building, and GOD DAMN.... got hit on in the parking lot by a guy who said he'd decided to not wait in the longass regular line and was gonna wait in his car until the parking lot cleared to go back in. Irony of situation here. You figure it out...

I now have more to think about on my drives to and from work.

I like to kiss and be kissed, touch and be touched. I don't consider myself depraved or loose or slutty. But maybe some people do.

I do what I do, thinking I'm not doing myself or anyone any real wrong, especially not in the long run... that we're "consenting adults," doing what's in the best interests of all involved. I'm always looking for mutually beneficial situations; things work out best when each person only wants as much or as little as the other. I'm finally realizing (why did it take so long??) that most of the time, I don't really know what the other person is thinking or wants out of me or the situation. I should not assume people are on the same page as I am. Even when they indicate that they are, don't trust them. When I don't know what's really going on in the other person's mind, it's not safe... for me or for them. I might end up doing someone wrong. And I don't want to do that. I don't ever intend to hurt myself or anyone... unless they've done me wrong first. KNOW THAT. I am defensive, not offensive.

I am going to change a few things.

I'm sorry for the things I've done that hurt you, that were wrong for me to do to you. I always think what I do is for the greater good. I do what I think is right and best for myself and for everyone involved in the long run. I realize now that I've probably been wrong many times...

We are good people. We want good for ourselves and for those we care about. I do what I do. People think what they think about the things I do. Some things I do mean little or nothing to me. They may have meant something more or different to you.

I'm sorry if I caused you pain.

I am so deaf rite now. My knees hurt. My ears are ringing. I am so hungry. I wish I had money to take myself to Jack in the Box to get something hot, fried, and salty. Spent all my money on drinks. I'm eating leftover pasta instead. Feel so grody. Sweaty. Tired. The music was great. There were too many people. I had a hard time moving around. Not as sweaty as times past... Drove myself home. So thirsty. Drank four drinks. Bought three of the four drinks. Tired. Wash face, take off contacts... time for bed...

I have nothing to hide. I really don't. I don't feel the need to hide anything. I won't. Anymore.

I just had to watch the movie Nightmare on Elm Street for the first time. And even though it's hella old, it's still scary. It fuck'n doesn't help that I've have been having bad dreams lately about people trying to kill me.

Why would anyone want to write or produce or watch these sorts of movies? What possible good could come out of those movies? Horrific murder and death are not entertaining. Neither are either laughing matters. It's no fun being scared. And no one should be amused by the occult. Why open oneself up to these things? Why become fearful and weak and prey to the demons and ghosts? Question yourself. Why do you like these kinds of movies?? I say, anyone who derives enjoyment out of making or watching horror movies is SICK.... SICK IN THE HEAD.

(I didn't bring or drink any alcohol tonite. Damnit...)