My sense of smell hasn't fully returned yet. I'm still not fully recovered from my cold. I've been sick ever since I turned 30.

And I haven't yet addressed being 30 and unmmarried.

I don't have many friends, and many of my few friends got engaged within the year. Exactly how does that make me feel? That is a good question... one that I haven't fully answered myself, but hope to dig into and figure out as I type out this blog entry.

Unboutedly, I'm glad to still be single. I don't feel jealous of my engaged (or married) friends. But I'll admit that all the engagements and weddings happening these days make me feel uneasy.

Though feeling uneasy about marriage should have the effect of inspiring me to contemplate it and to make some plans, I've made a conscious effort to avoid thinking about it... hoping that all would just come together and fall into place in time. Upon reflection, I suppose the truth is really that I'm uneasy because I don't feel as if I have much control of my future regarding marriage. So I try not to think about it in order not to freak out about that.

I haven't been willing to give up my single title. I haven't been willing to act like a 30-year-old. But it's not as if being unmmaried at my age would make people treat me more like a 25-year-old, no matter how I act or feel. (I haven't been treated like a 25-year-old since I was 27.) It's not as if holding onto singlehood would slow down the physical or mental aging processes.

Before turning 30, I already began feeling a loss of something defining and significant. I feel like I've lost that certain je ne se quois that comes with youth. I feel as if I've lost 95% of my appeal. I feel a lot less attractive, physically and mentally, to everyone... except, maybe, Babe.

What am I going to do when I turn 32 and I'm still unmarried? Now that I've forced myself to think about all of this, the thought of being a 32-year-old bride seems rather sad to me. If I want to avoid being an old bride or a reluctant spinster, I'm left with just two or three years to pull off a bunch of small miracles. A few years for me to magically become ready for marriage, for me to get someone to grow to love me enough to propose to me (or, I suppose, for me to garner enough gumption to propose to someone), and for me to plan and have the wedding monster itself.

What can I do about it? How do I get in control of my situation?

A few things I can think of... Work on regaining personal appeal and charm. Work on developing Plans A, B, and C. Discuss things with Babe (though he seems similarly averse to thinking about and discussing the M subject).

Why is it so hard for me to get myself to actually do these things?

I just got back from a 7-day cruise with my parents and brother. Hanging out with the family was almost frustratingly boring. At the same time, being on a week-long cruise vacation was a very pleasant, if not ideal, way to recover from a 3-week long cold. (I thought it was the flu; the doctor said it was just one really bad muther of a cold.)

We went to Alaska again (our first cruise two years ago was also an Alaska cruise). We went with Princess Cruises this time. I'd recommend them over the other two cruise lines I've cruised with — Holland America and Royal Caribbean. In my opinion, Princess' food was the best. It wasn't pretentious or too highbrow for the everyman palate. The sauces weren't too thick, and the fruit, vegetables, meat and seafood tasted very fresh. I ate a lot healthier on the ship than I do on my own in my regular day-to-day life. Not having to prepare any meals is pure bliss, and is in itself worth the cost of the cruise.

I didn't really see or do anything new in Alaska, or learn anything particularly new about myself or my family (as has happened during past family vacations). The family has improved in how we relate to each other, but glaring character flaws persist. My brother still strikes me as abnormal in a way I can't describe with just a few words. But his moving out of the parents' home and living way down in San Diego is a good thing for all of us. My parents still don't communicate well with each other, and a lot of mean and hurtful things are uttered between them. But at the end of the day, they're still stuck with each other... for better, worse and worst.

I was amused when, during a conversation over one of our two-hour buffet lunches (mom takes that long to finish eating) on the cruise, my parents mentioned how generous and self-sacrificial a person I am. You are smirking now because you think that if I ever was a notably generous and self-sacrificial person, it must have been in a lifetime before you knew me. In fact, surprising as it may seem to you, generous and self-sacrificing are probably the two most defining adjectives you could conjure up to describe the pre-mid-20's me. And apparently, my parents haven't noticed that I've changed in that respect.

Becoming more selfish and self-centered — ironically, becoming more like the other members of the family in that respect — has brought definite improvements to my life in the past 5 years. However, recently, I've been wondering if I've maxed out on the benefits. I feel as if, though I've become a better person for myself, I've become a much less likeable person to everyone else. Maybe it's time I try to regain charm by catering to other people's needs and wants more. Maybe that's not the right way to go about working my way into other people's hearts. Maybe it's the only way for me at this stage in my life...