My sense of smell hasn't fully returned yet. I'm still not fully recovered from my cold. I've been sick ever since I turned 30.

And I haven't yet addressed being 30 and unmmarried.

I don't have many friends, and many of my few friends got engaged within the year. Exactly how does that make me feel? That is a good question... one that I haven't fully answered myself, but hope to dig into and figure out as I type out this blog entry.

Unboutedly, I'm glad to still be single. I don't feel jealous of my engaged (or married) friends. But I'll admit that all the engagements and weddings happening these days make me feel uneasy.

Though feeling uneasy about marriage should have the effect of inspiring me to contemplate it and to make some plans, I've made a conscious effort to avoid thinking about it... hoping that all would just come together and fall into place in time. Upon reflection, I suppose the truth is really that I'm uneasy because I don't feel as if I have much control of my future regarding marriage. So I try not to think about it in order not to freak out about that.

I haven't been willing to give up my single title. I haven't been willing to act like a 30-year-old. But it's not as if being unmmaried at my age would make people treat me more like a 25-year-old, no matter how I act or feel. (I haven't been treated like a 25-year-old since I was 27.) It's not as if holding onto singlehood would slow down the physical or mental aging processes.

Before turning 30, I already began feeling a loss of something defining and significant. I feel like I've lost that certain je ne se quois that comes with youth. I feel as if I've lost 95% of my appeal. I feel a lot less attractive, physically and mentally, to everyone... except, maybe, Babe.

What am I going to do when I turn 32 and I'm still unmarried? Now that I've forced myself to think about all of this, the thought of being a 32-year-old bride seems rather sad to me. If I want to avoid being an old bride or a reluctant spinster, I'm left with just two or three years to pull off a bunch of small miracles. A few years for me to magically become ready for marriage, for me to get someone to grow to love me enough to propose to me (or, I suppose, for me to garner enough gumption to propose to someone), and for me to plan and have the wedding monster itself.

What can I do about it? How do I get in control of my situation?

A few things I can think of... Work on regaining personal appeal and charm. Work on developing Plans A, B, and C. Discuss things with Babe (though he seems similarly averse to thinking about and discussing the M subject).

Why is it so hard for me to get myself to actually do these things?