Let me indulge in my blissful haze... which does not mask a reality that I fear or can't bear or progress within. Let me live my unconventional life. To be able to give much love and to be loved is the most I ask of it. Thank you.

Can we please stop talking about drugs (more gently referred to as substances)? There's been too much talk about whether they're wrong or right for you, me, him, her, whoever, why or why not, the negatives and the positives, addiction and abuse, control and restraint, to do or not to do... I'm sick of the subject.

My haze is semipermanent. Not altogether unpleasant or uncomfortable. I want to thicken it a bit tonite.

I've realized I really don't want a conventional life. I have been trying to make it my goal to achieve at least the ideal/standard American life... to follow these steps: Start developing a career as soon as possible out of college. Aim to settle down. Find one suitable partner. Buy a house and marry. Procreate and cultivate a family. etc. Right now, I don't really want to do any of those things. However, I feel compelled to do them, and to want to, threatened by future regret if I don't follow now. What would it take to make me want that kinda life? Hitting 30, will I be forced to come back down from this cloud?

I want to do something different with my life... live unconventionally. Not 'cuz I feel that I've already fallen behind, and I've given up. Not just 'cuz I need a break from the 10yr-cycle. I feel so unconventional within. I do not feel destined for wifedom and motherhood, etc. I don't know if I could be constrained to an ideal/standard American life. Would my true innerself always rebel against it? I can't picture myself embracing or accepting it... Later, I will probably look back and wonder how I could be happy living otherwise.

Er, my lead, not Eric's. The personality disorder test tells me I'm highly HISTRIONIC. Holyfuckinshit... I really am. Well, kinda... I won't admit to exaggerated, shallow emotions. :P Surprised I didn't come up highly Paranoid. I'm much more Compensatory Narcissistic than Histronic. (More info about these disorders can be found here.)

I think we're all silly for taking the test. I refuse to regard my personality traits as disorders.

So now I have my very own enourmous ugly mother of a grenade.

Hey World! What can I do for you? Tell me. Show me. Give me a sign. I'm sick of feeling like a non-contributor. What's the most that could come out of this little life that I'm so interested in preserving? I wanna know. Make and take the best of me.

Oasis - Live Forever

Ginkgo biloba or swimsuit? I need both. Should only spend on one or the other, though... Been slipping on the spending lately. Gotta get back on track. Hello... balance.

Need the swimsuit by Saturday for a pool party. But it's gonna cost more than 30bux for something flattering, and how often would I actually wear it? Maybe I can drum somethin up w/ a handkerchief, or two, and some string. But I REALLY need the ginkgo... ASAP. Well, I hope the stuff works like it's said to. It was on my mind this morning that if I got on any substances, I should get on the kind that would help not hurt my brain. But is anyone really gonna notice my memory and concentration getting better, or would those effects only benefit me? The swimsuit, on the other hand... Decisions, decisions. Body or brain... ??

I have grown used to the silence. I have become a part of it. Still, I am not completely comfortable with it.

Tagamet. When injested with alcohol, it raises your blood alcohol level. I'm guessing my BAL was somewhere around .13% last nite, with a boost from Tagamet. Even so, I do know whatthefuck happened last nite. I heard myself telling more lies than I wanted to. Dave's anger has subsided today. He's forgiven me, though I didn't say sorry for anything I did that upset him. I'm not sorry. I don't let his gettingpissedoff stop me when I think it's related to more than my behavior, and I know he will remit it the next day. The real question is... will I forgive him?

As my brainpower wanes, the more easily impressed and amazed I am by simpler and simpler things. The nice thing about that is that increasingly more is able to dazzle and intrigue me. At the same time, I really miss being able to think deeply and quickly, create, memorize, analyze, the way I used to...

But look at me... gonna go out and soak my brain in alcohol again tonite. You'd think I'd do whatever I could to stop the brain-degradation process. But that's just it. I'm not thinking anymore... just feeling and going for more feeling.

Kasey Chambers - Not Pretty Enough