There are too many people in this world, and life is too short, to hold on to any one of them who you can't forgive. If one out of the x-billion or so people roaming this silly planet at any given moment disappoints you so severely that you can't forgive, dispose and move on to the next. It doesn't make sense to remain non-forgiving in order to protect yourself from being hurt as much again by someone, just as it doesn't make sense to resent everyone else in your life for the hurt they have not yet brought to you but might. There is as much, and sometimes an even a greater, chance that any one of us could/would hurt you, as there is a chance that someone who's already hurt you will hurt you again.

One benefit of forgiving is being someone who people will not be afraid to approach or love... someone who seems capable of understanding, accepting, and/or loving in return. Why would anyone want or continue to be involved with someone who can't forgive?

To forgive, I suggest you take a step back and view the unforgiven objectively. Try to understand who the person is and why he/she does what he/she does. Whether you succeed or fail to understand, you have a choice to accept who they are or not. If you choose to accept, because you wish to continue to interact with the person, or for whatever other reason(s), then forgiveness should come more easily... because the benefits of forgiving will become clear enough to drive the forgiveness. If you choose not to accept, it's unwise to keep the person in your life at the same level they were at which allows them to hurt you to the degree that you can't forgive. It's not good for the person, it's not good for you. Demote him/her, or somehow put him/her at at distance from which they can't hurt you in the same way again.

Now I have a headache.

Kaboom! Actually, it was more like... fffffiiiiiiiiizzzzzle...pop!

Woooooohoooooo!!! I'M SINGLE! I'M SINGLE! I'M SINGLE! Let the FUN begin!

When I really want something, I usually want it pretty badly. For me, there's not much space between not wanting something at all and being willing to give flesh and blood for it... which still isn't enough to get most things I want these days.

Does no one have any real freakn work to do or WHAT?!?! And you all get paid a much fatter wad than I. I got no time to do other shit while I'm here workin hard to feed and house myself. I can't/shouldn't buy more than five meals under $7 per week or else I'm short on gas money and I gotta stay in on the weekends. Some of you live in excess and don't even know it or appreciate it. Oh that's ok... Continue to be frivolous and prosper. I'll continue to be bitter.

I've been feeling a need to post this for some time now...

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DISCLAIMER:
Read me at your own risk. I assume no responsibility for any special, indirect, incidental, or consequential loss, injury, or damage, including without limitation, any offense taken, which may result from reading, especially misinterpreting and/or misunderstanding, any or all of the information within this blog. I also do not state ownership of, and shall not be held liable for, any text, images, or other media linked to herein.

Before May 2002, this blog was private, its audience limited to just a few carefully selected people. After allowing linkage to this blog from other sites, I have become unaware of the extent of this blog's readership, and of the full impact of such. Continue to read me, as long as you understand and accept the above. If you do not like what you have read here to date, or my level of openness and candidness makes you uncomfortable in any way or for any reason, then please just get the fuck off this site NOW, and don't ever come back.

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My life is about to change in some huge ways. I spent the last two and a half months setting up for this moment and trying to prepare for the aftermath. Now I just have to wait for everything to pan out, hoping there aren't any sceanerios I failed to anticipate. I'm going to be challenged a lot, but I'll be fighting hard to prevail and not end up just fmucking things up bigtime.

I can do that too.

Evidence that a Creator/Controller of Life, and perhaps the entire universe, exists: the fact that the things on this Earth which bring a person the most pleasure also bring a person closer to death.

Whatever brings the most physical pleasure and/or elevates us mentally kills us faster, or carries with it the potential to destroy us immediately and permanently. There's no way such tragic irony could have come about by chance. Some scheming Entity had to have set it up that way. How very MEAN. We are punished for thrilling in extreme pleasure, but we are rewarded for denial and restraint. Yet life is precious. How to deal with such cruel incongruity...??

We should gather our friends up and make a music vid of our silly selves shakin' whatever we got... big, small, or not at all. :P Let's just do it! Who's got a videocamera or digicam? Bring your props and leave your inhibitions at home. Heheh. I'm serious about this.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! race me, fight me, fuck me, run with me, scream with me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you ever want to tell me something, even something that you think I might not like, please just tell me. It would do me some good to hear what you have to say, whether positive or negative. And if you ever want to know why I do or say the things I do or say, please just ask me. Don't just wonder or misunderstand or avoid me. Flatter me by asking me what you want to know.

Metropolis was a near perfect experience for me. If it wasn't for an 80lb lump-o-trouble, I think it woulda been the best event of my summer so far. Maybe more about this later... maybe not.

Okay. We do need the women in this world to make it a more beautiful place. They're so pretty and so soft. You look at them and you can't stop looking. They smile and you warm up on the inside. You can't help wanting to hold them and stroke their hair and smell the sweetness they exude. They just make you wanna love them. Despite how stupid and crazy and irrational and confusing and how much trouble they are... Damn them.

More rant about women: I just suffered through a horrible, long meeting with a couple women on our team here at work. STUPID, STUPID women. I hate working with stupid women! What the fuck is wrong with them?? They never seem to fully understand the overall picture, even though it's explained to them countless times. They ask stupid questions over and over again, questions that have obvious answers or are irrelevant. They contradict themselves all the time. They never understand the developer (who is male), who is always crystal clear to me. They blame development even when it's their stupidity and lack of foresight that causes problems. They think slowly. WOMEN! You'd think that they'd grow smarter over the years. But no. They just get fatter and grumpier and more bitter.

See, it seems as if the women I don't get don't understand themselves either. And they have all sortsa ulterior motives for doing the crazy and undpredictable things they do. They don't even understand those motives and often don't even know that they have them. They do things for stupid and irrational reasons that no one, not even themselves, no one but god, can understand. They say a lotta stupid shit, a lotta nonsense, and then wonder why men don't understand them. They confuse themselves. They confuse the hell outta me!!

Men have ulterior motives too. But they are understandable motives. They stem from simple needs and wants. Men are transparent. Men are straightforward. Women... it seems as if all their craziness stems from some overwhelming need for male attention... or something related to men. All they really, really seem to want (and everything they do seems to stem off this want) is for a wonderful man, or many men, to come into their lives and justify their existence. Sad...

Maybe the way I see women is they way you see me... but I would hope to god NOT.

I get men. I just don't get women. I never really have, and I don't know that I ever will. I am not sure why I don't... or if I even try to. Yet it bothers me that I don't. I think I give up too soon. Or women are just so damn terribly freakn complicated. Maybe I'd rather just stick w/ the easy stuff - men. :P

It's funny 'cuz I was thinking this today, I swear, around the exact same time you posted about not getting people.

What am I doing up this late??

I, too, am thinking about Metropolis. I wasn't gonna say so, but everyone else has already mentioned it so what the hell... It surprises me how much I'm looking forward to it. It's just another event, perhaps to be forgotten or overshadowed by the events of subsequent weekends. But I dunno, for whatever rEason, I'm super excited...

I love it when I can't feel the time passing... like when I'm in a state of bliss, high on something, or I'm half-asleep and it's so quiet, peaceful and warm around me...

Bringing attention to how much attention one gets just shows how much one needs, craves, and lacks it... and indicates something like egotistical vanity stemming from deep-rooted insecurity.

Random/unsolicited attention or attention for attention's sake only is worthless to me. If you ever find me going after your attention, it's 'cuz I've got something to give you in return... 'cuz I'm just such a giver like that, and I like you, and I feel you deserve a little somethin-somethin. And I'm not gonna stand on a little soapbox...

I neglected thickening the haze through drink or drugs or other means this weekend, and I'm feeling the effects of my non-indulgence now. The haze is thinning. The hard, dark stuff that I hide behind it is emerging, though just an outline is beginning to show... the unwelcome thoughts about the significance and permanence of my soul.

Thoughts, please recede into obscurity NOW! I have other things to take care of... Come back another time if you must. This is such an inopportune time...

They taught you about "threesomes and toaster ovens and bisexuals and all sorts of other fun stuff," eh? Well, if all this talk ever makes you wanna try bi, let us (or just me) know... :P

Life is precious. Must always remember that...

A life, even one that is less than ideal, is precious. A happy life punctuated by depression, frustration, and angst is still precious. People who understand who I am and what I need are precious. People who don't just understand, but also accept and embrace who I am are even moreso... Do I still hope for and seek out people who understand and love me? If I found them, what would I do with them? If I need them, how would I keep them in my life? Could I get through life with love without understanding? ...or with understanding and/or acceptance without love? Is loving and understanding myself enough? Do I question myself too much, too little, or enough?!

The weekend is over. I really enjoyed the little bit of independence that I sorta got to taste. Highs and lows. I'm very tired. I have things to do for myself. I have tight deadlines. I have so much pressure on me. I need sleep.

Life is precious. Life is precious. Life is precious. Must always remember that...

I say, Say Anything... like the 80's movie starring John Cusack (my fave male actor) and Ione Skye. Good movie. Great song.

Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes

Hey everyone. For my bday next year (*frown* so far from now), a buncha y'all should chip in and buy me a digital camera, like the one Victor got for his bday. I SOOOO want one. I fuckin need to document my life now in every way possible. HELP ME OUT PLEASE!!

Ugh, I have teenager face. Crazy breakout. Shit. I hate it. Am I not too old to have to suffer this? Anyone have any good tips re: cleansers, moisturizers, toners, pills, or anything I can do to make the breakout go away faster (other than consuming less alcohol and staying out of the sun, 'cuz I won't cut down on either)?

It'd probably help if I got more sleep. Been going to bed really late and waking up early. My left eye's been twitching on and off for the last three days, like I'm going crazy or something. :P These days, the bed feels strange and eerie and uncomforbale under me. And it bothers me that I must sleep with the same someone every single night. In that smallsmall bed. Cramped, and I can hardly move... No position is comfortable. Can't sleep deep. Can't sleep for long. I wake up, and there is that someone. Always there, always waiting for me to come in... always there when I leave. I want my own bed.

I have this eager/anxious feeling stirring within me right now. My heart-rate is up too. What is this all about?

It's hot in here, and I like it!

I strongly do not want the end of the world to happen at any point in my lifetime. Not even after I figure out whether it's in my best interest to believe in God, and perhaps religion too, and in the afterlife or heaven or hell... and I live a life that would prevent me from experiencing ultimate suffering for the rest of eternity... Not even if I discover life has no meaning, no rhyme or reason... Not even if I find myself living a hellish or excruciatingly boring or disappointing life on Earth...

I do not want any of the children born today or tomorrow or in years to come to have to live a curtailed life because the end of the world came too soon for them. They too should have the opportunity to live a full life, to love, to give, to dance and sing, to wonder, to figure out what they wanna believe about the meaning of life... etc. I am not so selfish as to wish to experience the unique, maybe even wonderful and thrilling, END when the rest of the world may not ready for it.

I hope it NEVER ends.

I wrote a little about what I did while I was down in LA over the long weekend. Don't bother to read if I already told you what I did there. I just need to post this info, or I'll end up forgetting all about it.

Wednesday

We headed for LA around 3:30pm, and we just got in. It's 2am. I left home thinking "LA, schmeLA." It's been a couple years since I'd last been to LA... during a totally different era of my life. I didn't expect to reminisce when I got here. Whatever feelings and thoughts I associated with LA in times past would've faded away by now, I thought.

The long drive down was bearable only because I had the very good CD to listen to. BT's Movement in Still Life was perfect for racing through the lonely darkness on a balmy night to a distant destination. I must've sighed a thousand times... felt kinda high, felt like getting out of the car and running, sweating, panting under the pretty sparkles in the nightsky. My mind ran, elevated by the music, and the speed, and the glowing reds and whites... yet tortured because each mile was a mile farther away from you. More freakn bittersweet... In my head, I heard you say...

dance with me
give me a chance to be
your pill and I will
rid you of the bitter ill
leave you thrilling in the sweet
through mystic ways
thumpbeat and cryptic gaze
i'll light your eyes
and swell your heart
revel in my reverie
let me be your e

And then, an hour away from our destination, I started to reminisce.

Thursday

Got outta bed around 11:30am. In our room, here at the Doubletree Hotel in Santa Monica, there are some wonderful skinny-fying mirrors. Whoa. They make me look thin... naked! I took photos (available to the public for a fee). :P Yep, I am a shameless narcissist.

We walked up and down 3rd Street Promenade. People-watched. One of the street performers was able to manipulate a number of clear balls in both of his hands to music. At one point, he had eight of them swirling and twirling in his hands, traveling from one to the other and up and down an arm, moving by subtle movements of his palms and wrists, movements so fluid. I was impressed. I should've placed a dollar in his hat.

For brunch, I had a mushroom burger w/ fries at Yankee Doodle's. Ugh. Stomachache from packing in so much food... Guilt.

Headed toward the Santa Monica pier around 4pm. Sometimes Dave snaps crappy pictures, especially ones of me. I tried to explain that I don't want to be in the center of the pictures. I should be off to the side so that attention is focused on the scenery behind and around me. Maybe Dave's method of taking pictures of me says something about how he pictures me in his life. I'm in the center of it, and the detail going on in the background is much less significant... whereas, in my life he's more of a complementary, yet off-center, part of scenes that I want to remember for their beauty and harmony and... oh I dunno.

For dinner, went to Miyagi's in West Hollywood. Mmmmm. I couldn't keep myself from gluttonizing. We had the sunset roll, spicy hamachi roll, spicy scallop roll, hamachi sashimi, Miyagi's samurai cocktail, and fried green tea ice cream. I could hardly stand up afterwards. More guilt.

Walked down Sunset Blvd. to The Standard Hotel for martinis. I had an 11-dollar apple martini. Loved the décor and atmosphere of the place. Hip, trendy, comfortable. If my collection of vocabulary words wasn't so freakn limited, I would write a better review of the place and describe the look and feel in better, greater detail. Sorry.

Every guy down here looks like a bouncer, a hairdresser, or a personal trainer... or something along those lines. And there seems to be an abundance of big cars in these parts. Big, like Escalades and Bentleys... and I don't know my vehicles so can't tell you what else I saw. Just think BIG. Saw a lotta big. Again, sorry.

Headed back to the Dublin's, an Irish pub across the street from Miyagi's, to dance off several hundred calories. Great mix of people (or maybe I've just overdone the Asian-clubbing up here in the Bay Area over the last couple months).

Friday

We rollerbladed along the Santa Monica beach in the early afternoon. I grabbed a burrito for lunch. I can't tell if I like Bay Area Mexican food over Socal Mexican food or not. It's all pretty much the same good stuff, right?

Got a henna tattoo on my lower back. Stooopid tattoo guy made it all crooked, and it doesn't look a bit like the sample I picked out. Looks hella lame. Of the hundreds of henna tattoo vendors along the beachfront, I had to pick the one to screw it up. Oh well, no real big deal.

Laid out on the beach and tanned for a little while. I couldn't tell how much time passed while I was lying out. Maybe 10 mins, maybe 30... I should've undone the back of my bikini top while lying on my stomach. I now have some serious tan lines that I want to get rid of sometime this month.

Met up with a friend, Cindy, in the afternoon and hiked up and around Griffith Park. Cindy took us to dinner at an Italian restaurant, the hole-in-the-wall-but-really-good type. I gorged again (no discipline when it comes to eating while on vacation). We then had a couple martinis at a chill place called Lola's, then went clubbing at the Sunset Room. LA is full of a lotta really good-looking white women and black men. If you've been down there or lived there before, you probably know or have noticed that.

Saw too much. Ate too much. Did too much. Lots to say about today, but too tired to write about it all now...

Saturday

Woke up sick. Too much hot to cold to hot to cold suddenly during the last couple of days... I think that did it. That, or too much junk food, or too many martinis, or too much dancing, or too much sun, or too much pressure... or all of the above.

'Cuz I was sick today, I just strolled out of bed really late and grabbed Jamba Juice for brunch. Dave drove out to Hollywood Blvd, while I rested in the hotel room. I got out for a bit to walk off some calories. Felt terribly guilty for Thursday's and yesterday's binges.

I was alone during most of the day. That aloneness started to get to me. It turned into loneliness. Felt kinda like I did when I was in New York... that neither here nor there feeling. Sure, Dave was around somewhere and would be back in a few, but I was someplace where I don't really know anyone else. I felt quiet. I didn't like how I felt.

I'm so internal now. I hear myself think. That is all I do. I don't talk. I ache. I want to talk, but I don't have anything to talk about. Or maybe I do. But I need someone to draw it out of me. Do I really want to hear my thoughts vocalized? Or do I really want others to? What is it that I really want to do? Why am I so frustrated?

Talking to Cindy last night about the frustrations of finding an ideal life partner got me thinking about similar/related subjects, including my current directionlessness. I feel really miserable thinking about all these things at once. Now, I just want go home and sleep and keep to myself and figure things out slowly and carefully. And I want work off the pounds I'm sure I've gained out here.

I've been changed after coming down here. Distance from the familiar has provided a different perspective. Stuff I was thinking before I came down here seems insignificant now. Even silly. I get up and feel as if I'm lying next to a stranger, or someone who is not my boyfriend. Such a strange feeling that is. Who is this person I spend so much time with? What is he to me? Why doesn't he make me feel better? Why so much pressure? Why does he always wanna "play"? What do I owe him, if anything? Argh... Would I rather be alone? Could I be alone and not go crazy?

I think I should open up my new bottle of 5htp when I get home.

I really miss being around the people back home, but I don't know why so much...

Oh anyhow, we had dinner in Westwood. UCLA area. Pleasant. But I was too sick to enjoy it as much as I would've. We had sushi again, at a place called Tomodachi Sushi, and had the most awesome icecream-cookie-sandwiches for only a buck each at Diddy Riese. I wish they had Diddy Riese here. I'd get fat eating those sandwiches daily, but I wouldn't also go broke simultaneously.

Saw The Bourne Identity at a theatre around the corner from Diddy Riese. I'm pretty sure I could never kill anyone, for good or for evil. But I like to imagine myself living the life of an agent... I wonder if I'd be able to repress my feelings of loneliness and/or lack of attachment/connection with most people. I'd die soon, since my memory sucks and I'm no longer sharp. I can run and I can't seem to break. But I get cold too easily. And I freak out too quickly. I'm squeamish. But I could use some unique adventures. Thrills. Purpose. Greater good stuff.

I'm so sick. My throat so hurts. I'm going to try to go to bed now.

Sunday

I must sing the praises of Nyquil. OMG. I took the gelcaps last nite for the first time. In addition to taking away the nasal congestion and sore throat, the stuff makes me utterly euphoric. For hours. I love the stuff.

Awful drive back to the Bay Area. I gained 4 pounds. Lots to lose. Lots to sort out. But I'm so glad to be home.

Psycho-ex used to do that all the time. He had re-occurring dreams about me cheating on him or doing other bad things to him behind his back. He'd wake up and accuse me of hiding things from him, and wouldn't back down on the accusations, even when I was obviously not guilty. He'd say, "if you haven't already done it, you are thinking of it or are going to do it." I never did cheat on him or do anything remotely close to what he dreamed I was doing. He was irrationally paranoid and possessive, and I spent hours upon hours every single freakn day crying and trying to appease him. He lived with me, and when not with him in person, I was on the phone with him. He checked up on me constantly, so how the hell could I ever do anything he didn't know or think about anything other than him? So then, he went out and cheated on me, and I never saw that coming...

It is equally difficult for me to say "I love you" when I do and when I don't.

In LA for the next five days, four nites. No internet, no money, still no swimsuit, my car w/ bad tires, Dave and no one else... It's gonna be a loooong trip. I'm hopin the socal heat makes it worthwhile.

I finally picked this up. I must say, Petra Nemcova is an absolute doll... what a cute smile. :-P Thanks Viv!