I cried.

I thought that I'd just be a nervous wreck, as I usually am in the same situation, and that it would take the doctor about 10 minutes to calm me down so that she could stick me with the needle.

During my last physical, my doctor said it's a good idea for me to have some blood tests taken. I hadn't had my blood drawn with a needle in years. With me, it's always an ordeal.

I have a phobia of needles. Apparently, many people do, though I don't know anyone personally who has it worse than I do.

I always seem to forget that the needle doesn't hurt much at all. It's probably not as much the anticipation of pain as it is the horror of the needle itself with which I have issues. The thought of being impaled by such a small yet potentially malicious object is so frightening that even as a 30-year-old I'm reduced to a whimpering mass of jitters.

Maybe I had a bad experience with needles in the past that I can't recall. I'm unable to watch other people being poked with needles.

I didn't expect the tears to come today. They were already streaming down my face before I could try to hold them back. I believe they were tears of frustration with myself for being such a big wimp. After that, the quick and painless prick.

It was all over in about 15 seconds.

Lia got engaged over the weekend! I'm so happy for her, and I'm excited about helping her plan her wedding!

I had dinner on Wednesday with my brother's girlfriend, Anne.* This was only the second time that I hung out with just her. I figure, she's the closest thing to a sister-in-law that I'll ever get. Might as well savor the almost while I can.

Anne IMs me every now and then. The moment her IM windows pop up, I know something's wrong with her and and my brother, JR.* She's been more chatty this year, moreso since my brother moved down to San Diego.

Their 3-year, drama-full relationship is still a secret from my parents. The relationship has been rough lately. From what I know, it has always been rough.

My brother is a nut.

And Anne is finally going to see a therapist.

There's a lot about the two of them and the situations they are in together, as well as individually, that I thought I wanted to blurt out here yesterday, for the sake of documentation. I'm overwhelmed with frustration and anger every time I think about them and the mess that is their lives. It's probably a good thing that I allowed a day to pass before I said anything about it here... a day to let my righteous indignation subside.

I've already asked myself many times why I bother to listen to Anne's woes, why I bother to sympathize with her and allow her to befriend me, despite the question of her agenda, why I bother to worry about JR when he has such a negative opinion of me (according to Anne) based on erroneous assumptions and unfounded accusations, and why I bother to try to help them both at my own expense and risk.

As a fellow female, I can't help but want to protect Anne from emotional abuse by a boyfriend, who is related to me by blood. As a sister, I can't help but want JR to snap out of his craze and become a more well-adjusted adult, unbound by the kinds of bitterness and resentment that I used to harbor towards the other family members. If I wash my hands clean of both of them, I may lose a brother. If I step in too far, I may lose a brother.

JR suddenly showed up in town today. Mom and I didn't expect to see him in months. Mom said today that she is going to try to get him to open up... We're similar in that we don't ask that many questions. With my brother, we know it's ask questions or get nothing at all from him.

I'm not finished talking about this... but it's time to start the weekend, and I don't want to waste another minute here at work.

(* names have been changed to protect the already-tarnished reputations of the people involved)

I was shocked today when I received an email from my friend, who was to have gotten married this coming December, and I was to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. "The wedding is off." No reasons stated. No postponement mentioned. I'm not sure what to make of this...

Just yesterday, we were making plans to see a seamstress this weekend about the bridesmaid dresses. You'd think that if I was a good enough friend to be asked to be one of her bridesmaids, I would have been able to pick up on signs that something might be going awry before today... and I wouldn't have been so surprised when I heard the news.

Maybe I did sense it, but I didn't ask the right questions when I had the chance. I didn't leave my comfort zone to ask enough questions... that damned problem that I have!

I replied to my friend's email, saying please let me know if there is anything I can do to help her during this time. That is assuming that she is not totally happy and satisfied with her decision to not have the wedding in December. I'm not sure what else to do. Should I ask what happened? I don't feel close enough anymore. I don't feel deserving of the answers.

During our weekly poker gatherings last night, the other three females - one of whom is already married, and the others are engaged - were gathered around a few bridal magazines, discussing this and that about weddings. As the token uncommitted female, I didn't want to just add myself to their conversation.

I didn't want to appear too interested or feel awkward, being the odd one out, and I don't have anything to contribute anyway. With 6 engaged people in the group, I'm going to have to get used to hearing so much talk about the upcoming weddings because, it'll only get worse as their Big Days approach.

I can't help feeling like I'm missing out. When/if I get engaged, who would I have to have to talk to and compare notes with about my wedding? They'll all be married by then, possibly bonding together over talk about kids. But that's actually not what I'm really apprehensive about.

My biggest concern is that any one or more of the currently engaged couples just happens to pick the same color scheme that *I* want for my wedding... that I've wanted since I was a child. Oh, don't get the wrong idea. I have not been pre-maturely making any wedding plans. The one thing I have thought about and have been almost certain about for awhile is the color scheme that I must have. And regarding this, I would hate to be trumped!

I definitely don't want to considered the biter, when in actuality, I'd chosen my colors out (too far) in advance, possibly even before they picked theirs. Therefore, I've decided to state, for the record, what colors those are now... so that there be no mistake about whose idea and plan it was first to have those colors for their wedding.

Red and pink. Of course.

Red roses, pink peonies, and white hydrangeas. So beautiful. Pink bridesmaid dresses, lovely shades of magenta to pale pink. My heart warms just visualizing the colors in my head. Red was my favorite color when I was a child, ever since I was able to speak. Pink was a close second, and within the last couple of years has taken over the spot of most beloved color.

Red and pink are popular colors for weddings. I know it is unreasonable to expect none of my friends to select those colors, or to expect them to avoid them for my sake. And I suppose I should have thunder before I concern myself about it being stolen.

It's just that I haven't been a princess in over 20 years...

I changed jobs in January, but I've been wary about mentioning anything about my new workplace here.

I work at a company that provides email marketing services. We assist our customers in setting up and sending out emails. I won't say much else about what I do in my position, or how I feel about the work that I do (or don't do).

One of the benefits of working here is the breakroom. Every Friday we order food, to be delivered the following Monday, from Albertsons.com. Some of the regular items that are always re-ordered are a wide variety of cereals, breads, lunchmeats, cheeses, salads, fruits, snacks, teas and sodas. There is a grocery list on the fridge in the breakroom where employees can anonymously request items that they would like added to the grocery list for the next week.

I abuse the list a little. Usually, there are about 10 items on the grocery list each week, and usually 2-3 of them are requested by me. I always order Yoplait yogurt. Sometimes they sometimes order a different brand, but I'm a food snob and I won't eat it.

I've ordered such things as Hebrew National hot dogs, Easy Mac, Gorton's beer battered fish fillets... oh, I got flak for the fish fillets. Apparently, my non-ethnic co-workers (who are the majority here) get touchy when they smell even a hint of fish.

Two weeks ago, I put Spam on the list. Mind you, not just Spam, but Spam Lite. The Monday after, there were two cans of Spam Lite in the breakroom.

If I got flak for the fish fillets, I got harassed for the Spam. It's been two weeks, and I'm still receiving comments about my Spam. I mean, I already knew, when I put it on the list, that it would generate some buzz... in the light of what our company does for a living. But you know what I think? As the saying goes, if you dish it out, you've got to be able to take it as well!

Now have I said enough yet to get myself fired? If I get fired for having said anything remotely negative about where I work, I would be surprised. But if I get fired for ordering a can of Spam, I'd be shocked out of my gourd. That would be an outrage!

Leave me and my Spam alone!