So there was this one time I was in bed with a guy I'd been to bed with a bunch of times, who I was into more than sexually, though I wasn't so sure how he felt about me... I usually resist asking someone straight out how he/she feels, choosing to wait until either he/she tells me or it's obvious. Relationship talks are painful and awkward for me. Most of the time, I'd rather not know and make a guess than ask.

On this particular nite, I couldn't resist asking, since it'd become obvious that he was never gonna tell me... and I was on the verge of leaving him and/or finding a new lover if he didn't feel the same way about me. So I asked in my trademark indirect and roundabout manner... "I'm not here just because I want to be here, am I? If you could choose to have anyone here in this bed right now with you like this, you would choose me?"

It was a serious question, and it had taken me a long time to gather up the courage to ask it. His answer brought my turntable to a sudden stop. "Not including celebrities? Yeah."

Ok. Maybe he didn't realize that I was asking seriously. Maybe he thought I asking if I'd be his first choice of women to simply sleep with. Or maybe that was the most honest answer he could give me.

I realized the instant after he answered that I had seriously asked a silly question, and that his serious answer to my silly question was even sillier. After the question and the answer, I was still in the dark about how he felt about me, and at the same time I stopped caring that I didn't know.

Evenso, I couldn't help wondering... should I be flattered to be his first choice of women to sleep with or to be with among all non-celebrities, among all the women who are actually within his reach? Or should I be offended that he would rather sleep with and/or be with a celebrity, whose life he really knows nothing about, than sleep with or be with me, who he knows pretty well? What does that say about my personality or how physically attractive I am or how good I am in bed? What am I even doing with a guy who would prefer the company of a celebrity over mine, or who would admit to that?

I think what he probably meant was, I'm not his ideal woman, but of the women who actually exist and are within his reach at that moment, he'd probably choose me. I probably should've been offended no matter what he meant. Lucky for him, I wasn't.