I was very stressed and short on sleep all last week, primarily because of the plumbing disaster at my place and the uncertainties of whether I would be properply reimbursed for my damaged property and where/with whom I'll be living in the near future. My worries over those things snowballed, and by the end of the week, I was stressed about a bunch of other related and unrelated things that probably shouldn't have concerned me or bothered me the way they did. Stressful issues just popped out of somewhere and gathered together in my mind to have a group therapy session... which turned into a riot.

I've wanted a place to call home, that would really feel like my home. Just as I thought I'd found it, here comes a threat to take it away. Behind the frustration of not having a home-sweet-home is the frustration resulting from some loss of order, organization, control, stability, and individuality. And behind that frustration is a big fear of losing the connections that are keeping me well-grounded these days...

Next week, I'm going on a seven-day cruise to Alaska with my parents and brother. I'll be disconnected for more than a week. No internet, no phone, no friends, no Babe. I'm anticipating the ache I will feel from the disconnection. The anticipation itself is already an ache.

And then I realize that I only want one man right now. First reaction: panic. When was the last time I wanted more than one man at at time? I want to and would go into this subject and all the thoughts that stemmed from it, but then it would take me another day or two to write out all that I've analyzed and connected together and sorted out... and I don't feel like elaborating on them right this moment. Let's just say, my thoughts were reeling out of control for a bit, influenced by empathy and anticipation and a whole lotta other shit, including the shit on the hardwood floors.

My place now seems as clean as it was before the disaster. I've always worn slippers around the house, so I'm not as bothered by the possibility of walking on shit-tainted floors. I'd like to live there until the end of the summer, at least. I don't want to be rushed into moving again so soon.

I started to feel pain in my stomach (not guts) on Satuday afternoon. I'd had In 'n Out for brunch, and followed that up with about 5 or 6 pieces of taffy from a candy shop at the Fisherman's wharf in Monterey. The pain lasts for 2 to 5 seconds and recurrs at 30min to 2hr intervals. I should probably add antacids to my list of things to get reimbursed for...

Sex could've helped me de-stress a little, but it was rag-week. I always feel so, so robbed. He didn't have to go without. He never has to go without. And sometimes that really gets to me. That men get it all. Men have it all.

While men are doing the funnest things in life - racing vehicles on tracks and dirt, playing the guitar or drums and making bands, bonding with other guys over sports and babes, jacking off to porn, playing basketball, playing videogames, always playing, playing, playing - what are all the women doing for fun? Knitting, doing their nails, putting on makeup, changing diapers? No really... what are all you women out there doing?

Please don't say they're all at the mall shopping all the time, and that's their #1 favorite thing to do. That's lame. Why aren't more women playing the guitar and forming bands? Why aren't there more women in extreme sports? Why is it that the only girls in these scenes are not much more than decorations in bikini tops and hotpants standing on the sidelines watching all the guys have fun? What's wrong with women? Can't they do more than follow their men around?

Sure, I want a bigger part of this man's world. I'm sick of being one of a few other women joining in... and not just here at work, but in every single thing that I'm interested in or want to get into. I really shouldn't let the absence of women in these activities intimidate me or hold me back. There must be a bigger reason not many women are involved in some of those things than that they simply can't hang w/ the guys. It can't be that lack the ability to do and enjoy the same activities as guys, despite their interest in doing them.

But If that is the case, why should I try? Why should I try to get into something if I'm destined to drop out because I am woman? Because maybe that is what is stopping all the other women! I won't let the lack of female comaraderie stop ME any longer!

I have only one life, and I should do whatever I want to do before it's over, without regard to what the rest of the members of my gender is/isn't doing! Money should to be my only limiter. And I don't need a fucking female role model! I never did. I finally realize that.

I'm going to stop writing now and go live some more of my life.