I'm recanting... Death by self is no longer an emergency escape option. You may now sigh with relief... or be startled because you didn't realize it was one of my options.

I had a week and weekend full of thoughts about death in general and related issues. Then I heard, on Friday, that one of my friend's friends committed suicide. On Saturday, I read a random blog containing the thoughts and feelings of a woman dealing with the suicide of a friend/relative.

And I realized that suicide is not one of those things that can be wholly justified by the statement "I'm doing what's best for me." I'll give you some leeway if you're a blind and mute quadruplegic..

But for the rest of you, no matter who you are or how many people you know, your death will fuck someone up. You may not know who or to what extent. I've always regarded suicide as the ultimate act of selfishness. But even so, I felt I had the right to keep it an option... the ideal being possessing the ability to determine exactly when and how I die. Some people would like to do one last thing, a huge thing, for themselves, perhaps after many years of not doing much for themselves, by committing suicide. You may go ahead and do yourself "a favor," and at the same time be the selfish asshole who leaves a wake of sorrow and confusion behind him/her. But do I really want to be that person?

Do I want to kill myself and have people automatically assume something went terribly wrong? Do I want to make people wonder what the problem was, or if/how they could've helped me, even if I died at the height of my life and in the throes of immense pleasure? Do I want to be other people's excuses or inspirations to do the same? Do I want to make people think prematurely or unwillingly about the existence and permanence of souls, of Heaven and Hell, of nothingness and afterlife? Do I want to shake up the happy and the content by forcing them to think about the questions they are better of not asking? The questions that have no answers? The would-be answers that would turn every worst-case-scenario-safest-bet-option person into a disciple of some sort of religion?

The answer is no. I'm not that big of a bastard.