This bio clock thing is such a bitch. It's been bringing down my spirits for days... I try not to let it, but it won't quit buggin'.

I'm guessing that I picked an non-ideal time to become single. I should've tried to live a phat maxed-out single life when I was when I was younger, thinner, cuter. It was too hard, then, to get out of the cycle of breaking up and getting right back into another relationship... there were always guys waiting on the porch. It was hard to not let in the love and the lovin'. I mean, who would say no to those things?

I'd forgotten what it's like to worry the way I worry now... to feel single desperation. I haven't felt these feelings in about 10 years... 10 years in "taken" status feels like a lifetime.

It's like... going from the swimming pool to the hot tub, and trying to get back into the swimming pool. I've dipped one little toe into the swimming pool...

I want back into the hot tub.

Since the end of July, I've tried single-and-looking for a whopping total of about 1 hour. It wasn't fun. Oh, maybe slightly amusing. I looked through the personals on craigslist.org for a couple of minutes yesterday (never done that before), but I couldn't help imagining that all these poor but hopeful souls are glaringly undesirable in some big way or another. Or maybe they're all just like me. But they're out there. I'm overwhelmed and intimidated. I don't know where or how to begin. I don't even want to go there, if I can help it...

So I've practically skipped the looking part and gone straight into single-but-dating. I'm sitting with my legs dangling in the hot tub. Half-in-half-out. My upperbody is starting to shiver. I want to get my whole body back into the tub. I really do... before I get sick and die. I'm scared, but not as scared of getting into the big, cold pool.

Pull me in. Pull me in with you.