I feel sorry for you guys who have hard-to-please girlfriends or wives. Oh, maybe that's all of you guys with girlfriends or wives...

You poor fellows. Valentine's Day must be stressing you out.

If I was a guy, I don't know what I'd do. Would I go the played-out route -- the red roses, the chocolates, the candlelit dinner for two at a fancy French restaurant, the jewelry from Tiffany's -- if I knew that's what she wants, despite how unoriginal and how temporary, fattening, preposterously expensive, and impractical it is?

What if I'm not the cheesy romantic type and/or have my own ideas for a meaningful night? Do I risk doing what I want to do for her, or should the threat of her dissatisfaction and disappointment reduce me to doing the cheesy romantic tango?

What if my woman's the type that demands to be pleasantly surprised each year? How would I know what she really wants if she doesn't explicitly tell me? It'd suck if I wasn't a above-average-creative guy, but my woman always expected me to be originally romantic and sentimental. Ugh. The burden of thinking of something novel and sappy every birthday, every Christmas, every anniversary... She can be bought every other day of the year, why not on these too??

Why couldn't she just ask for porn or for an MP3 player? Why wouldn't she be happy with gift certificate to spend at Best Buy, or Barnes & Noble, or A|X, or Copeland's Sports, or Sephora, or Williams-Sonoma?

See, you wish you had me.

Just fuck me nicely this Friday and I'll be happy.