On Friday, I had an interesting yet disturbing talk with coworker Doug after we went out to lunch. Somehow it popped out that during the period of time last year when I was noticeably curt and standoff-ish toward him, he thought I was acting that way because I was romantically attracted to him and was upset at him for not going after me or returning my feelings. He said coworker John thought the same.

Whoa. WTF? What were they smoking?? I mean, not only was I completely NOT attracted to Doug at that time, but the main reason I was standoff-ish in the first place was that I thought he was the one who was attracted to me... and I was trying to discourage him from becoming more interested in me so he'd back off. (That, and I was very annoyed by being bugged by people at my desk while I was "working".)

I was actually upset that I felt I had to be that way. I don't like coming across as a worse person than I am. And now I know that I was mean, rude, and avoidant for nothing, because... if John hadn't kept on hinting to me that Doug was after me, I wouldn't have felt like I had to resort to those measures... and if John hadn't told Doug he thought I might be interested, Doug might've never imagined that I was bitter toward him because my feelings for him were unrequited.

So basically, evil conniving little John tried to set the two of us up, despite the fact that I'd expressed my sincere disinterest in Doug that way many a time. But Doug and I both now realize that married John was and is desperately seeking spice and drama and would jump at any opportunity to vicariously live through his non-married friends. We forgive him. We're scheming to convince him that the receptionist secretly has the hots for him.

Luckily, a few months after my mean/rude/avoidant stint, I loosened up about a few things in my life... and I opened up to the possibility of making and maintaining friends at the office to help the medicine go down. I got to know Doug much better and discovered that he's refreshingly unique and intriguing, and wildly fun to talk to... which can't be said about most of the other people I work and play with. At that point, having him as a friend was unquestionably worth more than the risk of him coming after me for more than a platonic friendship. Seriously, there are only a few people with whom I'd rather talk to as regularly, freely, openly, and honestly.

Anyhow, I was under the impression that Doug and I have a special deep meaningful platonic friendship that transcends age and race and is based on a mutual admiration and a rare connection between two creative-bent and similarly quirky people seeking like-minded company within a world of geeks and technology... until Friday. Now I can't help but wonder... what was really going on in Doug's mind? Had he only been a wonderful friend to me because he believed I was romantically attracted to him? How did that belief influence what he said and did around me? Did he really think I'm as uncool as to react bitterly toward someone who doesn't return my amorous feelings? Was he actually interested in pursuing a non-platonic relaitonship with me at some point? And how much of that is the reason we're good friends now? Does it matter?

He told me on Friday at lunch, before we had our chat about the above, that he just got engaged for the first time in his 42 years on Valentine's Day. WOW. (That was quick.) I'm very happy for him! His life changes every second, every minute, every year, and I like that. I hope mine is as dynamic when I'm 42. But the way he told me about his engagement smacks of... well, he seemed to be trying to let me down easy, as if he thought I would be hurt somehow. How utterly wrong. I really really really never really ever wanted him that way!

I guess the main reason I'm disturbed is that it feels like a blow to my pride... him erroneously thinking that I was a woman scorned and perhaps taking pity on me and trying to make things right by becoming one of my good friends. Yeah, that bothers me. But I'll get over it soon. Soon I will see it as just a silly little production written and directed by John for all of our laughs.

'Course, I still like Doug a lot as a friend, and hope that the fact that I was never attracted to him more than a friend doesn't devalue our friendship in his mind. He's a grown-up. He's gotta be more mature than I am. A damn 42 years mature!