I have a cold. It started up yesterday evening. I can probably blame it on the weather. I believe self-inflicted stress had a lot to do with it as well. I opened myself up to this bug, and now it's going to help me out of my two-week-long bout of mild depression.

I've had negative, self-defeating thoughts and feelings related to subjects I don't feel like writing or talking about with anyone... the kind I don't like admitting that I have. So if you asked me how I'm doing, I probably said that I'm fine. If you asked me what's wrong, I got creative and told you something other than the real story. I didn't want you to know that I was depressed, or that I was having difficulty with x, y, and z.

Today I'm home, trying to get well soon. I have some time to regain some clarity.

I'm still trying to make something out of post-debt life. There's not that out-of-debt feeling to look forward to and work toward anymore. There's not one big, glaring, and outstanding goal anymore. There are just all of those little ones that were dwarfed by the big one that isn't there anymore.

We are what we owe. We are what we buy. I can be more than that now. My debt, when I had it, more or less defined me. Now, there's probably an immediate need for me to re-define myself.

Of course I want more, but what I want more of is no longer obvious. It's not money anymore. In trying to figure out what I want more of now, so I can create new, significant goals, I've overturned areas of insecurity... areas such as my relationship and job. Have I been expecting or settling for the bare minimum? Should I risk fucking everything up to go for more? Am I really special?

As I sit here, sore and coughing, I'm also blanking out... and it feels good, actually. I feel better already. Self-inflicted stress, when identified, should be nixed immediately by whatever means, be that a cold, or a day away from work, or what have you... I needed this break in the ol' routine to stop my would-be-contstructive thoughts and feelings from spiraling out of control in the wrong direction.

I'm focusing on getting well by tomorrow, if not by Friday, so I can enjoy LA over the weekend.