I know what's made me happy, happier, and happiest up to this point in my life. I can achieve all three through various means. But why settle for plain ol' happy when there's happier and happiest?

Maybe happiest would kill me quickly. But maybe it'd be worth it.

Short, ultra-happy life vs. long, mediocre-happy life, which could've been happier... but wasn't, due to restraint and knowledge there is more happiness to be had.

'Course there may be happier-than-happiest, which I haven't experienced yet... But why wait to find it? Why wait for something that might not exist, or by some cruel irony i just can't have?

When does waiting become wasting? Wasting life..

Or maybe it wouldn't kill me, only destroy me.

Or it would still kill me, but my soul would live on. Then what would become of my soul?

I struggle. I really do.