We got to Reno late on Friday night. We met up with our friends at Circus Circus and watched them gamble for a bit. I didn't gamble. There were a lot of drunk people stumbling through the Silver Legacy/El Dorado area. A lot of white women with big boobs. I always forget how big the average white woman's boobs are. I don't have the priviledge of seeing them as often as some others. Unfortunately, I think they've become somewhat of a fixation.

Whenever I see intoxicated people these days, I wonder if I could be one of them again. I feel quite removed from the partying world now. I feel like I'm looking at them from an outsider's perspective. A different perspective. A more wholesome one.

Within the past month, I've been thinking more about transforming into a wholesome person. A significant change in thinking for me. Since I left my parents' house, I have equated wholesome with religious, frigid, prudish, conservative to a fault, homophobic, fun-ophobic. Basically, everything I wanted to get away from.

Maybe I realize that wholesome is not all those things. Maybe now I see wholesome as an absence of vices. Wholesomeness is vicelessness. A worthy pursuit. Maybe now I'm ready to be wholesome. Give up the night life and all the sensual pleasures it has to offer (as if I haven't already). Give up the tendency toward the liberal and risque. Go all out for health, purity, loveliness.

Maybe it's too late for me.

Maybe it's like your virginity. You're born with it, but once you lose your wholesomeness, you can never get it back. I'll have to re-think this whole becoming-wholesome thing... some other time.

Babe and I decided not to go mountain biking on Saturday, and hang out with the group instead... a decision I don't regret, though I did/do feel disappointed that I didn't get to go biking. The others already went biking on Friday.

It took forever for the group to get organized that morning, and I lost my cool for about 40 minutes. Only 40 minutes. I let my attitude go after Babe pointed out that I was being too obvious, and my attidue wasn't good for my rep. I realized that I was thinking like my dad. He always said he has no use for the group; the group is cumbersome, slow, not to be trusted or counted on, and that is why dad is a loner. There's nothing like realizing I'm thinking like my dad to stop me from making an attitudinal u-turn.

We went lazy rafting around 3:30pm. I stripped down to my bathing suit and didn't think twice about it. We're here to get wet and tan. I hadn't had time to remove my armpit hairs, and I thought no one would notice. Or if they were to notice, I wouldn't really care. Babe told me later that he noticed, but didn't have the opportunity to tell me. Please. There were opportunities.

It was fun falling into the water. I got concerned when other people and Babe fell into the rapids and couldn't get out easily, and I think that was more drama than I've experienced in weeks. Shit! Now I was being my mom. The over-concern. The fearing-the-worst. I don't want to be that way. Maybe I'm fighting a losing battle. Anyhow, I'll keep on fighting...

It took forever for the group to get organized for dinner, but this time I was good about it. I kept my cool. We didn't eat until 10:40pm. I was so hungry and dehydrated that I was weak in the knees. Can't remember the last time I felt that way. I wanted to drink that night. During dinner there was some talk about car bombs for everyone. But that never happened.

I conked out around 3, and slept so well that I didn't hear the guys coming into our room to smoke up and talk. Else, I might've gotten up and asked if I could take a hit or two. I was tempted all weekend to smoke a cigarette, even though I probably already got my one-cigarette-a-daily-quota from the secondhand smoke in the casinos. Can I still call myself a social smoker? Or am I now just a smoker?

Sunday, we headed over to Atlantis for more gambling. After deliberating for an hour or so, I put my name down on the waitlist for the hold'em table in the poker room. But it took forever for people to leave the table, and I didn't get to play before we left for home. I gotta get the guts to put my name down on the waitlist earlier.

And that's about all that happened over the weekend that I want to talk about.